I’m a rule follower…sometimes to a fault.
It’s a benefit because I don’t get tickets for traffic violations, I can be trusted to do what I say I’m going to do, and I generally feel very safe.
But it’s also one of my biggest weaknesses because I subconsciously make up rules in my mind, follow them perfectly, and then end up wondering why I’m so stressed.
I recognize that not everyone shares my same personality traits, so as I open up about these 7 “rules” I need to change, you may be wondering what on earth is wrong with me. 🙂 However, my hope is that as I share my story and the growth I’m working on, you’ll have a chance to think about your own situation–and perhaps make some helpful tweaks.
Quick Background:
The past couple of months have been pretty heavy for me. (I batched the last few podcasts before the craziness, so even though I’ve been posting each week, it’s actually been awhile since I posted here.)
Everything is “fine,” and a lot of the activity going on around here was incredibly positive, but the way I responded to it was not.
In a nutshell, I unintentionally put myself into a perfect storm of conferences, travel, family responsibilities, timely projects, special events, meetings, and new initiatives–without leaving space for the unexpected/less shiny things–and I ended up running on fumes and feeling completely depleted.
I love LearnDoBecome, and I love being here with such an amazing group of people, but in my efforts to help others get out of the overwhelm, it doesn’t make sense for me to put myself into the overwhelm.
Part of me wonders if I should just put my work on hold for a few years until I “figure everything out,” but my heart tells me that it’s a better choice to share my pains, acknowledge where things could have been different, and emphasize the fact that I’m a fellow traveler (who cares deeply, but struggles mightily).
So, after a lot of thinking, I realized that there have been seven subconscious rules I’ve been following these past few months that contributed to the majority of my stress. It feels a little embarrassing to actually write them down and share them with the world, but if my mistakes can help you navigate a better path, I’ll bite the bullet. 🙂
Old Rule #1: If someone else wants something to happen now, I need to make sure I do it.
I love to support others, but I’m too quick to respond when I receive a request. For example, one of my children asked me to help with three big projects over the course of a week and a half–right before I needed to help with a big local conference and then travel to another conference on the other side of the country. I jumped right in and made sure everything happened right on time, but in hindsight, we could have adjusted the schedule, and I could have done way less.
New Rule #1: I am wise as I make my commitments (which ones I select, how many, and how often).
Old Rule #2: I must take advantage of every good opportunity.
We all know that life is full of a LOT of good things, and of course we WANT those good things in our lives. But when we do ALL the good things, it doesn’t typically work out to our benefit. Over the past couple of months, I had the chance to help out with some beautiful community service events, celebrate Fall Break with Eric and Spencer, go on a girls’ trip with my sisters and nieces, hear a huge variety of special speakers, dive into some new business opportunities, attend special events, and spend time with some wonderful people. Looking at each of those individually, I feel like I made great choices, but looking at all of them combined, I realize that I said yes to WAY too much.
New Rule #2: I do good things when I have the energy to do so.
Old Rule #3: No matter what happens, I must continue to pursue my pre-defined goals.
How many times have you picked up a book about goal-setting that said, “Hey! Don’t really worry about your goals. Maybe you’ll get them done, and maybe you won’t. It’s not that big of a deal.” Perhaps that book IS out there, but what I typically get–from books, seminars, conferences, etc.–is that we have to FIGHT for our goals. We need to be consistent. Mind over mattress. Do it when it’s hard. Don’t break a streak. Make it happen no matter what. I don’t want to be misunderstood here–because I do love setting goals, and often the “Streaks” app has been super helpful for me, and I like the thrill of achieving something that required sustained effort. My problem, however, is that I have sometimes made “goal-achievement” the king–at the cost of my personal health and well-being. (As a little side note, I’m reading a book called, “When the Body Says No” that is life-changing, and I also read a helpful article about how quitting can be a good thing. I’ll link both below!)
New Rule #3: Goals can be adjusted to match my bandwidth.
Old Rule #4: I can always handle “one more thing.”
I think I’m pretty good at managing projects, tasks, and calendared events so they don’t feel overwhelming to me, but the unexpected things that come up are usually on a personal level. Over the past couple of months, several of our family members and friends have gone through some incredibly tough experiences. We’ve spent hours on the phone, hours in conversation, and hours doing our best to lend a hand. None of that was “planned,” but, instead of assuming I could always handle one more thing, I wish I had created more space in my life for the unplanned needs of the people I love.
New Rule #4: My life is happiest when there is plenty of margin (for replenishment and for people), and even if I technically could handle that one more thing, each choice needs to be made carefully.
Old Rule #5: Replenishment can wait until life calms down.
Because I’d created a life that was constantly “too busy,” I left SO many things undone. By the time things DID slow down, we had bald tires, we desperately needed an oil change, our fridge was empty, our dog’s fur was matted, the closet was full of clutter, my phone storage was just about maxed out, the smoke detectors were crying out for new batteries, and I felt like everywhere I turned, there was one more piece of evidence that I had been going way too fast.
New Rule #5: “Sharpening the saw” is a regular part of every day. If I “don’t have time” to sharpen the saw, I am moving too fast.
Old Rule #6: Since “everyone else” is fine moving at a frantic pace, I should be, too.
I’ve learned that, especially in my business circles, my personality type isn’t very common. Most of the people who attend conferences and events with me THRIVE on the go-go-go pace of entrepreneurship. For many years, I’ve seen myself as one of the “weak.” I don’t want to post to social media 25 times a day. I don’t want to be in 3 coaching groups. I don’t want to attend events all over the place or talk from morning to night for 7 days in a row. But those are only keys to “success” if I share their definition of success. In every circle, there’s a spectrum of choices being made, and while what you see may be totally different than what I see, I’m guessing you can relate to the pressure we could each put on ourselves to constantly be on the go.
New Rule #6: I am a unique individual, I have a unique purpose, and I honor my unique needs.
Old Rule #7: If I stop doing so much–without being sick or incapacitated–I will let people down or miss important opportunities.
I think I’m most embarrassed about this one. I had quite a bit of sickness in 2020 and 2021, and those weeks/sometimes months in bed gave me a natural (though not necessarily enjoyable) break. I’ve learned to solve those health issues, and I haven’t been sick this year, but I also didn’t build in enough down time. A member of our community recently asked me why I am so hard on myself, and at first, the question stung because I don’t WANT to be hard on myself…but then I had to laugh because I was being hard on myself for being hard on myself. 🙂 So I actually spent quite a bit of time pondering that question (I probably need a separate post to spell it out!). I won’t go deep into it right now, but in essence, the way I interpreted my experience growing up and the way I’ve created my current identity have set me up to have super high expectations of myself, a very strong work ethic, and an incredibly difficult time feeling as though I’ve done enough. I’m working on making some healthy, much-needed adjustments.
New Rule #7: Establishing healthy boundaries is my responsibility. I want to serve and be a support to others long-term, so it is essential that I live each day in a sustainable way.
Okay, that’s it for today! It’s taking quite a bit of willpower not to go back and delete all that. 🙂
Sometimes I wish I didn’t struggle, and I wish I didn’t have so many weaknesses. I wish I weren’t so sensitive, I wish I could trust God more and not put so much on my own shoulders. I wish I didn’t have to learn the same lessons over and over and over again.
But really, that’s the whole point here at LearnDoBecome.
We’re here to join together–in the messiness (and beauty) of life–to identify where we need more knowledge, to create plans that are tailored to our needs and put them into action, and then to experience that thrill of growth as we become who we’re meant to be.
I love you for being here with me and for being the kind of person who lets me share my heart. I know we’re not all hanging out in the same physical space, but goodness, I feel like you’re my best friends.
xoxo
April
Related Links:
Book I’m reading: When the Body Says No (Amazon Affiliate)
LearnDoBecome Content Directory!
Join Us in our monthly ARISE membership!
Build Your STEP Command Central (and Become a STEPper)
Emily Garland says
April, I love your transparency and honesty – rule 7 is the one I’m battling today. My husband & I got COVID last week; we are both recovered, but I felt AWFUL about staying home, missing work, putting all my responsibilities on others. So I’m right there with you!
A book I enjoyed recently was “Soundtracks” by Jon Acuff. He narrates his own audio version, and it’s so funny but helpful! The premise is that our “soundtrack” in our head is something we can (a) turn down and (b) choose, and it meshes well with what you’re saying here: change the script. listen to something different in your head, and move on intentionally. 🙂
I love your show! Thanks for the listen this morning!
April Perry says
Thank you, Emily! I’ve loved all of Jon Acuff’s books, and I will definitely check this one out. I’m glad you are feeling better, and I’m sending a huge hug your way. xoxo
Jennifer K. says
April,
I can SO identify with this entire podcast. I am going to copy and paste the rules and put them near my computer. As I look back over the past two months, I have been going at a frantic pace. For me, the return to “normalcy” and the re-opening of everything (I live in NY) made me excited to sign up for new tasks and committees. It is also my first fall as an empty nester, so I do not have the children to take care of, in the same way. I have over committed and need to re-examine everything. I also need to build in rest and recovery, since I have an autoimmune disease and I have to admit I am aging. I can’t run like I did in my 20s and 30s! Point #7 was for me too.. I am very hard on myself. I empathize with you! I can’t wait for our ARISE call later. THANK YOU so much for your honesty. You are, indeed, a friend!
April Perry says
Jennifer, I think we are soul sisters. 🙂 I so appreciate you, and I am cheering you on!
Barbara Manning says
You are truly an answer to prayer this morning. I have been having some personal struggles lately and I have been so frustrated because I feel like I have fallen into old ways of thinking. With all the progress I have made over the years, I have wanted to help others who have similar struggles. When my struggles began again, I felt demoralized because “I obviously have nothing worthwhile to share since I can still fall into the same struggles.” My brain tells me that this is not true. I know I am in a better place than I would be if not for the mindset changes, skills and such I have learned. My heart, however, has not been feeling it. This morning, I turned on the podcast to listen to you, whom I hold in high regard as a competent and compassionate individual. Your honesty with your struggles only raises my opinion of you. It does not diminish my belief of your skills if you struggle. Realizing the grace I would give to you, whom I have never met, helped my heart feel what my head has tried to tell me. Yes, I struggle, and perhaps always will with these particular challenges, but that does not mean that what I have is not worth sharing. The existence of my persistent struggles may actually make me more compassionate to those who also struggle and the skills I have learned are worth sharing. Thank you for being the answer to prayer I needed today in helping align my heart with what my brain keeps telling me.
April Perry says
Barbara, your comment really meant a lot to me. I love how you said that the existence of your struggles help to make you more compassionate. I totally agree, and that is such a happy way to look at it! Sending lots of love!
Elizabeth Lund says
April, I love you & THIS podcast. Thank you for being brave enough to post it, even though you wanted to hit “delete”. I smiled and laughed and also felt your pain, just as if we were friends chatting about our lives over coffee. I am creeping along so slowly, but your LDB is really such a blessing: the system, but most of all, YOU, for caring enough to put your real self out here to us who listen. ❤️
Myra says
Hi April! Thank you for sharing your rules and new rules! You are not alone.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone! I have struggled to give myself margins and downtime. I am married to a go-getter who does not understand. I am hoping that your words will help him understand what I have been trying to explain to him about myself. Thank you for giving me a good perspective on my own rules and where I can make adjustments.
I love your podcasts and appreciate your tender heart!
Lillian Severinsen says
Ohhhh, April! Yep! Spot on! Sing this from the rooftops! Ev-er-y lady of every age I have spoken to in the past few months has been agonizing over and living these 7 old rules! Why do we put such vices on ourselves?! What a gargantuan invisible load!!! I am SO inspired by your honesty and new ideas!!! THANK YOU!!!
Kim says
Thank you for sharing these points! You and I must be very much alike because every single one of those points resonated within my heart, soul, and brain and was exactly what I needed to hear! I’m also going to share these with my sisters, because they, in a marvelous way, are just like us. 🙂
Shawna says
I was on a drive with Sandra today, and she referenced something she’s learned from you. I replied with something else I’ve learned from you. Then, later in the conversation, she mentioned yet another thing. Reading your perspectives is truly enriching and helps me to feel like we’re still “in touch” even when life is a little too busy to do it the old-fashioned way (at least, not as much as we’d like!) Thank you for sharing your soul with all of us <3
April Perry says
I miss you!! Thank you for all the encouragement and support. I admire you and Sandra and feel privileged to know you both! xoxoxo
Angela Hoar says
Such lovely comments. I’m sure so many of us listen & think the same, even though we don’t post. You & the team do amazing work. You’ve made me think about things like never before & start on a self development journey that I didn’t know I was capable of. And I’ve realised from you that self discovery & developing is constant. And that’s a good thing. Thank you for sharing. You are very a special lady.
Stacey says
April,
Thank you for sharing. Pouring out your heart was not in vain. It is helping me now. May GOD Bless you for being obedient to the Call to help others. BLESSED are the Chosen.
D says
I relate to your personality, and have big takeaways from this podcast. Thank you!
Mimi says
You are so real. We know we can fix any of our overwhelming situations. Stop, take a deep breath and think. Can I really do this, completely and without added stress. Thanks for the revised rules !!
Kim says
Feeling so grateful that you did NOT hit delete! I appreciate your transparency so much. Honestly, I didn’t realize that I have “rules” for myself until I heard this. Some are similar to yours but I’m sure not all of them. This has given me motivation to spend some time analyzing my unwritten rules and make sure they are serving (not harming) me and my mental state of being. And to acknowledge my “rules” and goals can be adjusted!
Thank you! 🙏
Thank you! 🙏
Thank you! 🙏
Elizabeth says
Thank you for sharing your heart. I am what some people call a highly sensitive person, and I cannot function well when being rushed.
Juventa says
April I can SO relate to this!! I didn’t know how much I needed this today. Thanks for being vulnerable and for being a shining light to others. Your life matters and is blessing so many others:)
Patrice Lefevre says
LOVE this, thank you for your post. So many of your new rules hit home for me. I’ve recently finished 4W2F and loved it but already feel like I need a refresher course, but I’ve told myself, start again, you have the tools! You and your team are wonderful to learn along side of, thanks again!
Elaine says
Thank you for sharing this. Just what I needed to hear today!
Tyana Maddock says
Thank you for sharing!
Although I love all your posts, I think this vulnerable one has been most helpful for me – I need skills for time management and stuff management, etc., but even more than that, I need an overhaul of my hidden “rules” that have me run myself ragged and not leave time and energy for the most important, soft, sweet aspects of relating and being.
Thank you for your inspiration!!
Mj says
Hi April,
My three favorite female speakers are you, Dana K white, and Joyce Meyer. I listen to and enjoy lots of people but the three of you consistently rise to the top for me. You’re all very different but one thing is the same: your authenticity. All three of you are crazy popular precisely because you have struggles and share them. I’m quite sure everyone has them, but not everyone shares them. I absolutely believe that that willingness is the thing that helps people so very very much. Please just keep putting your tender and fabulous self out there and know how much it helps and encourages the rest of us.
Paula Fassam says
Oh April you are so awesome and reading your reframed versions of these rules are exactly what I have been looking for recently ! Having also been a huge Franklin Covey fan in days gone by I literally flew through the amazing STEP programme – apart from the Goals section . I just did not get it at all. After three years of reading, learning and pondering on how to choose and set goals I now literally have way too many and have become so overwhelmed trying to sort, plan and execute anything at all! I am taking a break in December from everything apart from fun and relaxation in order to sharpen my own saw. I loved a paragraph of yours I read recently I think referring to The Miracle Morning concept and how that is great if you are in your 20s, fit and well and don’t have dependants and can control the time you get to sleep etc and would love to see and hear more content around what we can do when we are not at the top of our attainment game and how we can recharge. We love you April ! 🙌🙌
Josie says
Wow, every word here was so resonant for me – I love the way you redesigned your old rules and your vulnerability. It helped me feel so seen in my struggles to always achieve and do, even to my own detriment. I’ll be putting these up on my wall as a reminder! I so appreciate the very real way to speak to us here. Thank you.
Georgia says
April, I so appreciate this podcast. I went from having very similar unhealthy self rules to just chunking them in the trash and having no replacement for them. Just laying around the house playing my dragons cell phone game all day. I believe that was the tipping point for me after my mom left my house and my care. I had nothing human to take care of. I became even more numb to myself. Then I got bursitis in my hip in June wasn’t diagnosed until lat August. And I have been a physical therapy for 2 months and if that didn’t help, I would be looking into other options like shots or even surgery 🫣. So I got me a trainer at the gym and went to my physical therapy twice a week and yesterday was released from that. 🎉I will adopt your rules into my life 🫶The moral of my story is, I have to stay moving!
Oh, I even lost some weight with my very competitive husband. (I don’t like competitions) 🤷♀️ But it’s something I can see that show we are doing something together even though he works so much. P.s I’m not sure who all is praying or sending positive vibes our way but the hubby was told that they wanted to make the work place more equally distributed and by the end of this year he’ll have 2/3 plants sites instead of 9!🎉🎉🎉
Love ya girly 🌸 thank you for being brave 💗
Cindy says
Thank you! Most of this applies to me as well. I found your comment about how you interpreted your early life to create these rules, to be very interesting! Food for thought! I think it definitely applies in my case.
It is always a pleasure to listen to your podcast. It’s like a friendly, supportive person in the room. Take care!
Margaret S. "Maggie" Ringsred says
I ALWAYS thank God for your husband and your family whenever I THANK GOD FOR YOU, APRIL PERRY. YOU ARE THE CENTRAL REASON, other than my faith in my Savior, for HOPE. For six years, I have been listening to you. Making gradual process on the clutter in my head, a problem that began after my mother, my brother, my-half brother, my only grandparents I ever knew, two uncles and one aunt died in six years, RIGHT after I graduated from college, and should have been dealing with normal adult adjustment issues. My life, after seven years of being in shock, drew to a close, REALLY, on the day my mother died. If there hadn’t been so many other losses and big life changes, it might not have been that way, but that’s how it is. Controlling my belongings, EVEN IF IT ONLY MEANT PAYING the same as a house payment to HOLD ON TO THEM, was a way for me to tell me I WAS THERE FOR ME, no one else my be, but I GOT MY STUFF and I CAN CONTROL THAT. Dysfunctional? Sure… But I tried other ways and couldn’t get there. Seriously, I doubt that you truly know how many people you have helped on levels you can’t even imagine. You continue to teach me as I learn from getting to see how YOU handle new questions and concerns. God bless you, your husband, your family, and your faith-filled community of LDB’ers!
April Perry says
Maggie, I am so proud of you for being here and for continuing to move forward after so much loss in your family. Sending a huge hug! I can’t even imagine how challenging that must have been. You are stepping forward and making progress, and that is amazing!! Much love!
Barb Thompson says
It isn’t just a younger person’s need to change these rules we have in our head. I am 66 and this has not been a great year for me healthwise. In the last few years I have been exercising, watching what I eat, meditating, etc. everything to keep myself as young as possible. But, the universe laughs at those of us hoping to control everything. I recently was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, and now am facing Breast Cancer. This means I am dealing with mobility issues and depression after years of doing the “right things”. The old rules no longer apply. It is important for me to let things go and to do only what I am physically capable. I also need to ask for and accept help. Your new rules fit my situation. Thank you!
April Perry says
Barb, I am sending a huge hug! You are definitely facing some big challenges, and I am proud of you for putting the energy in to take care of yourself. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Sabrina Schrader says
April
So glad I found this Podcast again – thanks for sharing your new rules! I like them a lot better than your old one. I will have to look deeply at the rules that are running me. I think they are similar to your old ones.
I have missed being a part of LDB, and look forward to being back. Thanks for sharing and thanks for hanging in there and being real for all of us –
April Perry says
We have missed you too! So happy to have you with us! 😘
Heather says
Thank you so much for your vulnerability! And thank you for posting and not deleting this podcast. I love that you were transparent about how you felt about putting yourself out there. I can relate sooo much. I too have my own rules that I think I’ve made up for myself, and I beat myself up for following them…and for NOT following them…and for questioning myself over and over about them. I’m learning that sometimes the very thing we want to hide is what God is allowing us to share with others to let them know they aren’t alone in their struggles. That’s exactly what you’re doing here, and I appreciate it so much!
April Perry says
You’re very sweet, Heather. 🙂 Thanks for the kind words! I agree that it is SO helpful to know we’re not alone. Not always comfortable, but I’m glad that we are all here together. xoxo
Gabi says
Hi, First time reader because the title of your podcast definitely resonated. As I read through your Old Rules many really sounded like versions of the same thing.. 1-Someone needs something = Do it. 2-Opportunity = Do it. 3-Goals – Do it. 4 One More Thing – DO IT.
Number 5 was slightly different Replenishment must WAIT because of 1-4, 6 and 7
6 The trap of Busy – Keep doing it 7 Do Less or Stop Doing = Sad people or Lost Opportunity.
So anyways, I am so glad you do what you do but for all of us High Achievers – Replenishment has to be a DAILY priority, ie that one needs to be Rule #1
I also have my own health issues that will make this something I also work on and sometimes fail at but hope to improve every day. Blessings on your journey and thank you for doing what you do.
Karen says
April,
Thank you for being so transparent and vulnerable. The things I just read were as if I had written them about myself. I am a 64yr old lady that struggles every single day with being ADD. Life is definitely a roller coaster ride but I have to remind myself daily that I am made in the image of God and that I have got to trust him completely in order to overcome the daily struggles that go along with being Attention Deficit.
Thank you for all you do.
Karen
April Perry says
We are so glad you are here, and we’re all cheering you on! You have a lot on your plate, and I love that you are working daily to feel more peace. I hope our work here can continue to support you!