In last week’s podcast episode, I shared how my personal motivation is making a shift from fear and duty to love–and how that has made a really positive impact on my life. There were lots of beautiful comments submitted–where you shared your own experiences and identified ways you are making that shift, as well! Thank you so much for participating in the conversation!
A question soon popped up in our STEP Mastery Facebook group that essentially said, “I’ve listened to the podcast episode, and I want to make a shift from mostly duty to love, but how do I do that?” She then went on to explain that she has a lot of “duties” on her plate, and she wants to feel more peace and love, but it’s not always easy.
I absolutely agree–and while I don’t have all the answers, I thought I would share some questions that I’ve started using as a pivot point whenever I find myself slipping back into the fear/duty mentality. This is important for all of us because what we often think is an issue with time management or organization often has much deeper roots. It comes back to why we are doing what we’re doing–and how much we keep heaping onto our plate of responsibilities…even when it’s already full.
You might want to create a totally different set of questions that are tailored to your needs, but I think it’s important that we each have some way to assess what’s going on and remind ourselves where we want to go.
My Personal Questions:
- Is there somewhere in my life that I’m burning out–but I feel I can’t stop, so I’m just “taking one for the team”?
- Do I expect more of myself than I would reasonably expect of any other person? (I’ve learned that is a form of “superiority.” If I think I should be able to do more than others, it’s subconsciously because I think I have some superior capabilities or responsibilities….)
- Is there a path I’m taking that is too demanding?
- Am I giving myself “requirements” that aren’t even real–or obeying “rules” that don’t actually matter in the end?
- Do I feel fearful because I think only one outcome is acceptable? (Dr. Ellen Langer’s book, The Mindful Body, is incredibly helpful here. She explains that we can’t predict whether one outcome will be “good” or “bad.” So it’s better to take all outcomes and make them “good.”)
- Am I blaming myself for a lack of results in a specific area?
- Am I blaming others?
- Am I worried about what people will think of me–so I make decisions that will please them?
- Am I making certain choices because I think I have no options?
- Am I saying yes to things I really don’t want to do–and that I do not have a God-given stewardship to do?
- Am I complicating things in an effort to achieve more or feel more important?
- Am I letting peers or other people “make my decisions”? Am I just going along because it’s easier than standing up for myself?
(These next questions are focused on finding solutions…)
- What would need to happen so that I don’t burn out? (Because, really, if I destroy my health and well-being, I’ll simply have to stop all these extra activities.)
- Do I allow adequate rest for my mind and body?
- How could I adjust the expectations or requirements I set for myself–in a way that honors the work I’m doing, but provides bandwidth for me to maintain my physical and mental health?
- How can I look at what scares me in a different way? How could something really good come out of the worst-case scenario I envision?
- How could I give myself and others more grace?
- How can I more clearly see my value as something independent of my achievements?
- What can I do to actually find out God’s perspective on this? (Please insert your Higher Power, if you see this a different way.)
- How can I open my mind to see more options–ones that don’t require me living with fear or resentment?
- What are some ways I can respectfully say no to things that need to be removed from my life?
- How could I make my life more simple?
- How can I become more of the “actor” in my life–rather than one who is being acted upon?
- What changes can I make today so that tomorrow I will “wake up excited and go to bed content”?
And Just a Heads Up…
This process hasn’t been pretty for me. And it might not be pretty for you.
I have been thinking hard about these questions and scenarios lately–and wondering the best way to share the changes I’ve been going through over the past couple of years. And the reason I am sharing all of this is because I wish someone had shared these with me.
What we mostly get from books and videos and podcasts are expert solutions–from people who seem very polished and put together. And, of course, you want to show up as a “professional” when you’re standing in front of people and putting yourself out there.
But there’s a whole world of hurt, pain, anger, frustration, and struggle going on behind the scenes that we rarely talk about in a productive way. And so, while I’m teaching “organization” and helping people manage their projects, tasks, and emails, I think we also need to be discussing what’s really going on behind the scenes. That’s what our ARISE membership is all about, and that’s the kind of sharing I feel specifically called to do at this point.
I won’t go into every aspect of my life, but here’s one story I’m feeling brave enough to share–just so you know that you’re not alone if this shift from fear/duty to love feels really hard.
There was one night when I finally let Eric know how frustrated I was feeling about some of the processes, travel requirements, and coaching decisions for our business. Prior to that conversation, I’d mostly kept those frustrations to myself because I felt I didn’t have any other options and had to just endure the hard stuff in order to have the privilege to live my purpose. But because I knew I needed to change some of my decisions for the sake of my health, I decided to speak up.
But along with the “speaking up” came a lot of tears and really uncomfortable feelings as I addressed these topics–and at one point, as we were sitting in the car in our driveway, I couldn’t breathe through the tears very well, and Eric started getting worried. He calmly said, “April, I’m listening to you. And we can figure all of this out, but I need you to breathe. I’m worried about you. I’m going to drive to the hospital right now unless I can see you breathing.”
So I tried to take some deep breaths, and then I said, “I’m afraid to calm down because I don’t want to push all of this back inside me. I’m afraid if I don’t say it right now and let you know how much I am hurting, I will just keep doing things the way I’ve been doing them and nothing will change.”
We didn’t have to go to the hospital that night, and, gratefully, we were able to talk through the situation and make the necessary changes, but it was one of the hardest conversations I’ve had. Not pretty. And in hindsight, I could have gotten the same results without all the crying, but it was a learning process for me.
And sometimes when I share my weaknesses, I get some unkind comments, but I’ve decided that LearnDoBecome starts with “learning” for a reason. We all have areas where we’re strong and areas where we can use a lot of help, and I would rather let you know that I struggle than pretend that I have no problems.
So if you’re currently in a spot where fear and duty are driving your life–and you’d like to feel more of that love, peace, and joy, I encourage you to reflect on some of the questions above, and perhaps come up with some new ones that will specifically help you. Maybe you’ll need to have some hard conversations. Maybe you’ll need to make changes that feel humiliating or traumatic to you right now. Maybe you’ll have to face some mistakes you’ve made in the past or admit you didn’t have a perfect knowledge from the beginning, but it’s okay. Healthy, productive movement in the direction of your most cherished goals is worth the effort.
I believe a beautiful life is available for each one of us–and if life doesn’t feel beautiful right now, I believe we can make some internal changes that will then impact some major external changes.
Sending love! (And a huge hug!)
xoxo
April
P.S. I got the sweetest email the other day from a community member who recommended this awesome book called “The Mindful Body” by Dr. Ellen Langer. She sent along the link to a video interview about the book–which was SO GOOD. And then I started the audiobook and also bought the hardback copy. So many ideas from this book have been helping me, and I think you’ll love it, as well!
Here’s the link to the video interview.
And here’s the link to her book (Amazon Affiliate Link), The Mindful Body.
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Oh, April, your openness helped me so much. Thank you for being so transparent.
God is so good! I “needed” to read and hear this podcast. “Healthy, productive movement in the direction of your most cherished goals is worth the effort.” I will remember your words, your encouragement and your story. It will spur me on towards goodness and health.
Thank you for giving love and opening up your life and sharing as you have. It takes courage and trust and that is something we all
need.
I am at a juncture in life and ready for the next good and yes hard changes and will be so worth it. A life filled of love and joy and hope and goodness.
The questions you shared will help me at this very needed point in time.
Thanking God for you and Eric and your ministry. Has changed my life for good and I use what you have taught me daily!!!!
Many blessings and love to you.
I hear your heart!!!!
60 and looking forward to God’s next great things. It is a process.
Terri, I am so thrilled for you! It sounds like you have a good idea of where you want to go, and I can’t wait to hear about your adventures and the joy and health you will experience. ❤️ Thank you for your kind words!
😘😘So glad this was helpful! Thanks for your kind words!
April, It was so brave of you to speak up about the talk you had with your husband. How anyone could ever say unkind things to you, I could never understand. Human we are and it follows us where ever we go and do. Thank you for all you do for me !!!! God Bless You
You’re very kind, Christina. 🙂 Thanks for all your support! I’ve learned that we’re all wired differently, and so we’re each more sensitive to certain topics. I’m learning not to get too bent out of shape when the harder comments come in, but I do hope that the podcast and resources here can help encourage others. Sending lots of love!
April, I am so grateful for your honesty and being willing to share your journey with us. I feel like you’re holding a bright lantern to help me find my way and it helps so much to see all those questions written out. I now see what I’ve been doing to myself and ways to be a lot kinder to me! Big hugs!! 🌈❤️✨
Beautiful!!!!
LOVE this!! Sometimes when I give myself a mental or physical break, I think, “Wait! I feel so happy. There must be something wrong.” 😂 But then I realize that it is so healthy to be able to relax and feel joy—and to balance that with hard work. Keep it up! Excited to hear how things change for you!
April,
Your questions literally stopped me in my tracks this morning. For a while, I have realized on some level that I am heading toward a reckoning with myself. I have been asking God to help me, and I believe these questions are a form of the wisdom I requested. Thank you again for your vulnerability to share. I can’t tell you how much it resonated with me and how thankful I am for your kind spirit. Excited to be entering this week that I calendared for myself.
❤️❤️❤️ Praying for you and cheering you on, Lela!
April – thank you for your sharing your vulnerabilities with us!
Your journey through dealing with chronic health issues and anxiety/stress is really what draws me to your content.
I love the success of a Context Based Next Actions list as much of any of your followers, but what’s amazing is hearing how you do all that you do AND how you take care of yourself. How you are successful AND you have struggles.
It really gives hope to others like myself with chronic issues that it’s possible to be both successful and take care of ourselves.
I hope you will continue to feel safe sharing with the community in the future. For me, it’s often some of the most motivating content.
So kind of you to say–thank you, Merry! It is a gift to have you with us, and I’m sending a huge hug! 🙂
Dear April,
Thank you so much for being who you are! For having the courage to share with us parts of your life that are big challenges, for sharing your knowledge and the desire to learn more, to do more (not only for yourself, for your family, for us), and to become that amazing person who loves life. I love life too. With your help, I have been enjoying more and more in a way much more relaxing and delightful. I love being organized and I’m learning how to be it more efficiently and having fun at the same time. I go to bed very happy. Of course I have my days too, but I can breathe because I know what I need (maybe a break that day, rest, just be with my family, a friend…) and everything else will be fine because it’s written in Asana.
I’m sorry you receive bad comments when you open to us, I think those bad comments tell more about those people than about you, it’s a reflection about what they don’t like about themselves. Besides, if they had the time to send you a bad comment it’s because you touched something inside them.
I love all your podcast and books recommendations. I already bought a few, I’m trying not to buy them all at once lol
To summary: Thank you ❤️
This message means so much, Tatiana! I love picturing you being relaxed and organized and going to bed happy! Way to go! We all have our days, for sure, but knowing how to take a break and then reassess is essential, but sadly uncommon. Thrilled for you and so grateful for your kind words!
Thank you so much for being open and vulnerable, sharing your experiences (and sometimes, areas where you’ve struggled). It’s definitely comforting. I resonated a lot with what you shared. This podcast and the questions you shared came right when I needed them. I’ve been feeling like I’m on the road to burnout and simultaneously, feeling helpless to change things. I really like that you shared a combination of probing-into-the-issue and solution-oriented questions. Very helpful. Thank you!
Sending lots of love, Nicole!! I wish I could say that I never get close to burning out or that I’ve got this all “figured out,” but it’s a daily process for me to assess where my energy is going and to prioritize self-care when it seems I should be doing a ton of other things. But I love that you are considering these questions, as well, and I’m excited for all of us here to be wise with our decisions and to make the time to rest and replenish. xoxoxo
April, I believe this is absolutely the best, most honest, most helpful podcast I have ever heard! Thank you for your willingness to share, and I’m saving this to my Evernote so that I can listen over and over to your words, and ask myself the probing questions that I’m sure will move me forward.
I’ve already gotten to the point where I’ve moved from “have to” to “choose to”, but the idea from moving to duty and love, along with specific actions/questions to help me do so is priceless.
Thank you, thank you for all you do.
This means so much! Thank you, Marla! xoxo
I loved this podcast for the main reason that I can count on you to share from your true self.
Much of the time the reasons we procrastinate or avoid is from a much, much deeper level. Things that have happened in our lives and affected us so much that habits are engrained. Not good habits, but, there they are. Those habits are still there because we are afraid to touch them.
Thank you for being a champion of honesty, reaching into those places in your own self and sharing what happens.
Thank you for being the light in front of so many of us.
Sending hugs to you. ❤️
You are very sweet! And you totally hit the nail on the head. Those habits, stressors, fears, etc. from our past have such an impact. I am grateful to have you here as part of the LearnDoBecome community. And while it isn’t typically comfortable to share my “true self,” I’m glad that it’s helpful. xoxo