Are you the kind of person who always feels busy? Like you’re jumping from thing to thing, and there’s never enough time? Does the concept of relaxing with family and friends feel like a dream that will never happen?
(And maybe you’re not…maybe you’re like my sister who is really relaxed about things. If that’s the case, perhaps this podcast will help you understand the people in your life who are like that.)
I’m simply here to help you to be more calm, if that’s not your natural inclination, and I’m doing this by sharing five mistakes (or life lessons) that have made a difference for me.
Mistake #1: I used to think my value could be measured.
Imagine two people standing side by side. I used to think that there were a series of metrics that determined each person’s composite “value.” So in order to increase my value, I did a lot of things. (Because, you know, people who do a lot of things and check off a lot of tasks, are more valuable, right?) But that just left me feeling exhausted.
There’s an amazing Facebook Live video with Dr. David Burns and Mike Christensen that changed my perspective in a big way, so I’m linking to it below–and there’s an option to get my personal notes on their 2-hour conversation in the links below, as well.
I’ve learned that there isn’t a metric when it comes to determining our value, and I’ve learned that there are awesome benefits to being normal and average. Here’s one example of how I’ve changed. In the past, if I was going to a party, but I didn’t “look good,” I felt stressed and wouldn’t go unless I felt totally put together. Now, I still get ready, but I don’t worry if I’m having a bad hair day or if I just woke up from a nap and my makeup is smudged. I just spend a few minutes doing what I can to look nice (to show my respect to those coordinating the event), but I’m not worried about being judged.
Maybe that’s obvious to you, but it was big to me. 🙂
Mistake #2: I thought it was wrong for me to be happy if anything was wrong in the world.
Therefore, keeping myself busy and overwhelmed prevented me from being “too happy,” which therefore made me “selfish.”
One day, I was walking in the hills with Eric and Sunny (our dog), and I thought, “Wow, I feel so happy right now.” But I immediately gave myself a list of things to worry about so I wouldn’t feel that way for too long.
Now I know that being happy, healthy, and calm enables me to serve. My heart is geared toward alleviating suffering, and I can’t do everything, but I can play my small part.
Mistake #3: I used to push my anxiety onto others so they would do more, too.
I think perhaps I saw other people as an extension of me, so if my family members or team members were really busy, that showed that I was also “successfully busy.”
Back in 2021, I think I was at the height of my anxiety. Covid had doubled our business, we had a really big team and lots of projects, and I was working a lot of hours–in addition to managing a lot things around the home with our children. Our oldest daughter, Alia, was working with me on one specific project that was causing a lot of stress, and I remember one day–shortly after she’d had a surgery on her foot–I was telling her how I needed her to move faster and get more work done. I still remember that scene because she was in the process of climbing our basement stairs on her hands and knees to get up to the main floor while wearing her boot/walking cast, and there I was–putting more pressure on her.
We can finally laugh about that. I have apologized, and she has forgiven me. But I will never do that again. We can plan in advance, keep things simple, and put our humanity first.
Mistake #4: I used to believe projects and tasks were more important than my health.
I convinced myself that others would suffer if I didn’t work myself to the bone. I didn’t want to just burn the candle at both ends. I wanted to burn it in the middle, as well.
One day, probably 8 years ago, I was doing WAY too much, and I remember I was sitting on my bed with my legs outstretched. As I looked down at my legs, I saw that both of them were covered with stress rashes from my knees down to my ankles. Even though I knew they were from stress, I didn’t think I had another option.
In hindsight, I would have told myself that I needed to identify what was most important–and then have those hard conversations I was putting off (because I thought I would upset people).
Mistake #5: I used to think if I didn’t work myself to the bone to alleviate suffering, then I failed at my God-given stewardship.
This one was probably the most painful for me. It took me some time and professional coaching to figure out that I actually believed that. But now I know that I can choose the few things that I feel are most important, and I can take that list to God, and then I can move forward with confidence that I am making choices that reflect my values.
I do move slower on a lot of things now, and some of my external metrics have taken a hit, but I’ve learned that it is important to move at a pace that works. Over time, I believe things will turn out.
This hasn’t been an easy podcast to record, but I think it’s important to share how we’ve learned from our past so others don’t need to experience that same pain.
More links are below, if you want to go deeper on this topic or work with us at a closer level here at LearnDoBecome! And please share any additional insights/lessons you’ve learned in the comments. It’s amazing when we can benefit from one another.
xoxo
April
Related Links!
Facebook Live (Including the High School Reunion Example) with David Burns and Mike Christensen
My NOTES from the above Facebook Live!
Podcast: Ready to Declutter Your Emotions?
LearnDoBecome YouTube Channel!
Our ARISE membership – an amazing gathering place for community members that are using their Command Centrals to refine relationships, health, finances, individual purpose, and more. We focus on a new topic each month, and this is an amazing opportunity to receive coaching and support from Team LearnDoBecome. You can sign up for a free, 7-day trial here.
so funny- ny sister is the exact opposite of me and she just shakes her head at me and tells me I am not allowed to discuss organization at family events! So funny how sisters can be so opposite growing up in the same family! Gracias for this. Your podcasts are my favourite and help me remember to come back to the basics.
I’ll share your comment with my sister. 🙂 We all have different strengths, right? It’s nice to have someone to balance us out! So glad that the podcasts are helpful for you. Thanks for being here with us, Amanda!
Thank you for this. Exactly what I needed right now. I have too much going on. I am on vacation and did so much yesterday I was an insomniac last night. My counsellor always tells me to take my to do list and cut it in half then cut it in half again and that is what is reasonable.
Thanks for sharing…great reminders.
Sending a huge hug! I know it is HARD to cut the list. It feels better to feel like we are doing a lot, right? But learning to be good with a smaller amount “finished” while prioritizing our health is such a game changer. And it pays off. Hope you can get some good rest in today!
#3 Pushing anxiety onto others.
Unfortunately, I’ve done this to others and had it done to me. Recognizing when it’s happening helps to take the edge off of the stress it causes. Awareness then becomes a call to deal with the real issue. Thank you for this and all your helpful posts!
Love the emphasis on recognizing it and going from there. So wise! Thank you Helen! ❤️❤️
April, I know you were not seeking validation by sharing this message, but I feel impressed to tell you that you are anything but “average! Your vulnerability in sharing your struggles is an exceptional gift to those of us who need to hear and learn from them. Furthermore, your incredible ability to help this community handle the stress of dealing with this fast-paced world that we live in by teaching us how to get out of the piles and piles is a testament to how you are using your gifts to serve our Lord. You have helped so so many people like me that I know when you meet our Lord, you will hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
Oh, Marcelle, your comment brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your kind words and your thoughtfulness. I feel so privileged to be a part of your journey! xoxo
Wow, what an insightful pocast! I’m so glad I listened. This is exactly what I needed to hear, I have had many of the exact same battles over the years and am learning to overcome with God’s help and grace. Thank you for the reminders.
It is such a gift to know we’re together on this journey. Thank you for your kind comments!
Hello April,
You really helped me in so many ways. You helped me to notice that I push my anxiety on others by pushing my family to organize spaces in our home (like the kitchen, bathroom, laundry, or to follow their schedule for the day), when they are sitting around at the same time I’m feeling stressed. When they humbly oblige, it brings a sense of relief to me, but I don’t quite understand the “why” dynamic yet.
This podcast also just reaffirmed for me my worthiness to pursue what I value most for example, although it would make me uncomfortable not to get answers from my husband on things that bothered me, I would eventually absorb the disappointments, however, that’s not my intention anymore because my concerns are of priority/value to me. I am going to ask my husband to plan for talks in advance, to keep things simple (for example…I ask questions and he answers the question honestly “as is”, and he/I put humanity first (not anxiety/fear).
And lastly, I got this from another response on this blog, which confirmed my “why” for asking my husband my value questions, which is “Awareness becomes a call to deal with the real issue”.
Thank you so much for your transparency. In return, I am hopeful that something I’ve shared may be helpful to others also.
– Kelley
What a beautiful response! It sounds like you are thinking about things in a very healthy, sustainable way. Thank you for being here with us and for sharing these lovely thoughts! ❤️
I have been participating in the step program since before the pandemic, and it has just been so lovely. I loved listening to this podcast, and April you do seem so much more chill now I definitely needed to hear this message. Since participating in momentum last month, I have begun to pair down, my commitments, but there are still some conversations that I will need to have that I anticipate will not be easy for me.
Thank you for your encouragement and authenticity.
Sending lots of love as you have those conversations! ❤️❤️❤️