[PODCAST 333]: “I Can’t Get to It All, and I’m Falling Behind” When Your System Feels Like One More Thing to Manage - Learn | Do

One of our community members posted this question recently, and I just knew we needed to address it here on the website and on our podcast, so here we go! She said:

I’m struggling with “feeling behind” every day. I want to get to the landing spots, the capture tool, the weekly review, the dinner plans, the context-based Next Actions List, the projects, the routines, etc… but I know it’s too much for each day. It’s stuff I want to do everyday so I can feel on top of it but I can’t do it all in the time I have. And when I don’t, I feel like things are falling through the cracks because my system needs me to do all the things each day. It’s a cycle of renewed motivation or a new plan to get to what matters and being exhausted and defeated after 2-3 days of it. I know I need to cut stuff out of my life but there really isn’t much I can cut right now. It’s all so purposeful and intentional and important to me or my family. Am I doing this wrong? Why do I feel like the day is stuffed full with routines and no room for real life or helping on the spot or just needing an easier day… there’s no room in my mind for that.

_______

Ahhh, okay, I can absolutely empathize with the pain here. You know you need a system to keep everything running, but “working the system” takes time you feel like you don’t have. Or even if you do have your system in place, sometimes new responsibilities or life changes can get us off balance. How do we get out of that cycle?

In this specific situation, we dug a little deeper, and we found out a few more important details:

She’s dealing with routine-heavy seasons that are aligning with recurring “project seasons” (birthdays, holidays, gardening, etc.). This leaves no room for personal projects she actually wants to do.
She also has children at home, so her attention is going to them–and not towards the activities that typically leave her feeling productive.
Her Context-Based Next Actions List keeps growing with unexpected additions, making it feel perpetually unrealistic.
Her daily routine is so packed she dreads waking up because it all starts over.
She has been going through STEP, but she was approaching it as a way to fit more in–not as a way to simplify.

So today I’m going to share a variety of ideas and principles that we’ve been discussing in our members’ area, and I hope that these ideas will be helpful for you, as well!

First, I want to highlight what Coach Taryn shared. Her advice is always amazing! She said:

I’d love to share a few general thoughts that we as a team see popping up frequently–along with a few things to consider as you look at how to adapt the system to you.

Some seasons of life are very routine heavy. In those seasons, it might make sense to work on just 1-2 projects rather than 7-8.
Even in routine heavy seasons, there may be routines that can be stretched to be done less frequently. The same thing applies to checking landing spots! Some do need a daily check, others might be ok to wait a couple of days or even a full week. This can free up time for you and/or your projects.
Can some things be simpler and still be just as purposeful and intentional?
Is there anything that can be delegated or shared within the family to make your burden lighter?
Do you have any time in your day/week just for you? I find that even just a few minutes doing something to fill my soul gives me energy for all of the other things that have to be done in the day/week.
Where does your Command Central live? Is it easy to get to and use, or is it hidden away?

I know this is A LOT to think about. It can take time to find the right flow for you. I’d love to hear more about the details or answers to any of these questions. We’re cheering for you!

I love that Taryn’s recommendations stay within the framework we teach–things like having a Current Projects List, but keeping it light, still maintaining routines, but giving them a little more flexibility, and continuing to focus on things that are meaningful, but perhaps taking a simpler approach. Sharing family work, delegating tasks, and protecting even a few minutes for personal replenishment are also incredibly important. I genuinely believe that the reason I loved motherhood (for the most part!) was because I wasn’t “doing it all.” I took a daily nap, the children all helped with the housework, and Eric and I set up shared responsibilities and supported each other. Of course there were busy times, but we did our very best to create a life that was sustainable. (That often meant that I wasn’t “impressive” in many things. But I was well rested, and in hindsight, I think that was a wise decision.)

All right, now I’ll share a little more about this conversation. After reading the question posted, I had a couple of additional questions:

(1) How big are your routine projects, like birthdays, holidays, and gardening? I am wondering if perhaps you could simplify? Our garden, for example, has sat barren for a few years because it needs a lot of bandwidth to start it—and then the food processing in the fall is also a big set of projects, and we have had other things needing us. We want to garden, but we are giving ourselves some time. One year we JUST did tomatoes. And for birthdays, we have 4 traditions we do for each person that are very simple and take minimal prep, which is super helpful because 4 of us are within a 5-week period of time.

(2) Can you give me an example of a project you are putting off because you don’t have time? And can you tell me what the very next 10 minute next action is for that specific project?

In summary, here’s what she said:

There were a couple of meaningful birthday parties she helped to coordinate, and she didn’t regret doing them, but they took a lot of energy–especially considering that she also has a big family, sports schedules, and community responsibilities.
Her other projects are relatively small, but still require quiet time to get the details completed. Other things, however, tend to infringe upon that quiet time, so it never feels like enough.
She also had a big family trip coming up, and she’s maxed out on her eight projects for the month, but in the midst of all this, she’d love more projects that fuel her–music, art, creation, etc.

Here was my response:

I hope as you wrote all that out that you can see how much you are doing and how many people you are supporting! From my perspective, you are in a very busy season, and I would not suggest a “For Me” project that feels like one more thing. I would suggest more rest, lists as short as you can make them, and as much calm as you can possibly create. I would also prioritize any projects that will make every month going forward easier. And I would involve the family in an “all hands on deck” kind of thing. Tell me if I am not seeing the whole picture, but I would guess you are being INCREDIBLY strong for everyone else, but your mind and body would deeply appreciate a break. But you feel like you can’t take that break because you are living in accordance with such beautiful values that you are hoping that you can do it all somehow. Push back on me here if you disagree. I am just trying to lovingly prevent you from burning out, as I see a lot of myself in your story. You are clearly capable, but sometimes that can actually be the problem because you may find yourself pushing to your limit and overriding the body’s signals to slow down. (At least, that was what I did…) There is a great way forward, but it usually includes cutting things down to about 50%, getting your systems locked in, and then growing from there.

Sometimes I hesitate to go into these bigger life topics because I never want someone to feel criticized for their big goals and full schedules. It’s just that I’ve paid the price of doing too much, and I hope I can save others that same angst.

This was her response:

YES… I feel like you are saying things I haven’t found words for yet!

But April… you say cut back 50% and I immediately want to cry. The thought of what will fall through the cracks. The thought that there’s so little of what I’m doing that feels negotiable. Maybe I’m not seeing it clearly but everything feels so needed. But I do feel like I’m exhausted and nervous that I’m missing something ALL the time. Or if I feel like I’m on top of it for a day or two, I feel nervous for when it will fall apart because I know it’s not sustainable to be jumping from one thing to the next thing to the next thing and every single minute of the day is crammed and filled with routines I feel need to happen. And the time I allot is only enough of a taste of each thing so I never feel like I can enjoy doing it at a normal humanly pace. Just saying this all out loud makes me realize how ridiculous it all is…yet I just keep doing it cause so much is dependent on my actions!

That honesty is GOLD right there. Have you felt similarly? Maybe you are in that spot right now–or you have been in the past. I am so grateful she was willing to open her heart.

This was my response:

Ahhh, I can TOTALLY relate. When I was living in that state—even after STEP, while our business was growing and I was trying to be all things for all people, I couldn’t let anything go, so I just lived with rashes all over my body and meltdowns every few days… I finally had to make changes because my body started shutting down, but I am hopeful you can learn from my experience. STEP is going to help, but only if you don’t “overfeed the machine.” Wisdom and order has to be part of it. I have a podcast about 7 Rules I had to replace that may help with some of the mindset things. Also, in hindsight, I would have had the hard conversations earlier–with Eric, our children, business associates… It became natural for me to put my own health last so everyone else could thrive. I finally learned that I could simplify, delegate, kindly say no, and even forgo whole projects and the world didn’t come to an end. I will say that my “output” decreased when I started showing myself respect and caring more about my nervous system, but I became SO MUCH HAPPIER, and ultimately my family could feel it, and I have been rebuilding a new life from there that isn’t dependent on “April being the martyr.” Therapy and journaling was helpful, as well. No one was ever TRYING to make me sick, but unless we speak up and say, “Hey, I’m serious. This isn’t working, and I need to set some new boundaries,” no one will ever know. The things that really matter won’t drop. There is room for what really matters. It’s teaching ourselves how to let that wiser version of us lead and tell the fearful, anxiety-filled part of us that it’s okay to step back. You are being brave even having this conversation with me. It’s the easiest thing in the world to just keep going, but it takes bravery to change. But I promise it’s worth it. My podcast with Raelan Agle talks about this too. You don’t have to turn it all off tomorrow, but it’s about changing your identity from Achiever to Becomer… Super counter-cultural, but I believe it’s the key to actually enjoying your life. Sending lots of love!!!

Then she said:

Wow. I just listened to your podcast about 7 rules. THANK YOU for recording that. Your last few messages and that episode felt SO relatable.

So I guess my question is how do I move forward from here? You said something about having margins in the day for unexpected needs and people. YES. I want this.

I’ve done a few months of therapy that has helped and was good. And journaling is a HUGE therapeutic exercise for me. Is there something in particular you do to journal and get good info out of yourself or just a place you let it all out?

You talk about having hard convos and setting new boundaries… but I feel lost of what I even need to talk about or what sort of boundaries are even important that I’m not setting yet…

And maybe this is work I need to sort out and dig deep to find for myself rather than ask you for all the answers! But you do have some wisdom to share!

I will listen to the second podcast with Raelen too.

Any advice on where to go from there? I feel paralyzed and unsure how to get to this place. Where to even start.

Thank you again for your encouragement and time with me. It’s been such a gift

My final advice was this:

I’m so glad it was helpful for you! I don’t know what exactly is on your plate or how far you are in STEP, but I would suggest going through the whole STEP program and completing each module. This needs to be a priority so everything will be out of your head and you can prioritize your projects. But here’s the caveat: when you are making your lists—like your Routines List, Current Projects List, and Next Actions List, especially–when you look at them, they can’t make your stomach hurt. They need to feel open and doable. Same with your calendar. If they are stuffed, then THAT is your job. Unstuff them. Maybe even sit down with your husband or a friend (or if you are in STEP Coaching, a coach can support you), or post them here in the group. But you want to logically explain to your brain that your current expectations are too much, and you need to simplify. You might be able to push some things off into Someday or Next in Line, but keeping a list that no healthy human can accomplish is not success. This is life-saving work because the stress can and will build up. You get to be the architect of your life. Some of this will be leadership—putting children in charge. Some of this will be humbling (you won’t show up as fancy). Some of this may dig up anger deep inside you because you are likely carrying resentment towards the people who put a lot on you—even though you never told them how you were feeling. (I am taking a lot of liberties here, so please forgive me if I am overstepping. But I am also writing this for others who may read this…) You’ll have to mourn the old you, but the new you will be SOOOO happy. I journal lots of “old me” and “new me” parallels. I know I am properly aligned with God when my days are full of good things, but I have plenty of energy, flexibility, and choices. I work hard and I manage a lot, but I get plenty of rest, too. It’s that balance of branches and roots, right? You might start with basic home routines as your projects or a big home decluttering. I always felt better when the house was managed and the counters were clear, and then I would sit at my desk and process everything into my Command Central. Then I would look at my life and identify the next biggest project that would alleviate pain. It was just that—consistent weekly reviews, consistent system-building. Every time you build a new system (for disciplining children, for strengthening your marriage, for getting more rest), the next month is easier. And the next month. They build on each other. Once you get your system built, I think you would love ARISE because that’s where we talk about how to actually architect your life. It’s not just about productivity and moving faster. It’s doing the right things. If you aren’t waking up excited and going to bed content, doing more of the same things won’t get you there. It’s about shifting to being in the driver’s seat. You are going to change the culture of your family so EVERYONE thrives, including you. I did a podcast about 2-way journaling that might be helpful, as well. And we did a podcast with Mike Christensen where he worked with Natalie on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that was awesome, too. It doesn’t happen all at once, but I would say the STEP Command Central and then ARISE will get you there!

Even as I’ve been preparing this episode, I’ve been thinking about how important these ideas are in supporting our peace of mind. The fact is that life consistently changes. New challenges and opportunities arise, our bodies and minds get older, our needs and those of our loved ones change, and the world around us shifts.

And sometimes, even though I’m “organized,” I take on more than I have the bandwidth to do, or I make things harder than they need to be, and I also feel like I’m falling behind. In cases like that, the reminders to simplify, to whittle down my lists, to communicate my needs, and to clarify expectations with those I’m trying to support actually make a big impact.

In the midst of it all, though, I encourage us to remember the reasons we’re doing all of this–especially why we’re doing the family work.

A friend of mine has been in the hospital with her son for the past three weeks (at the time I’m writing this). He was in a tragic accident, which led to a medically-induced coma – and now to intense therapy as he heals. Through all of this, she’s been by his bed each day, supporting him and encouraging him and walking through each and every step with him. In a text I sent to her the other day, I shared an experience I had with my mom when I was in the hospital after a difficult surgery in 2009. Eric was home with our children, and I called her early one morning from my hospital bed after a painful, fitful night and said, “Mom, I need you.” She drove to the hospital right away and just sat at the end of my bed the entire day. Every time I opened my eyes, I would see her there, and I would feel this amazing sense of calm. She helped me walk to the restroom, she made sure the nurses were giving me enough pain medication, and she told me over and over again, “If I could take this pain for you, I would.” I knew she meant it.

That is the kind of love and purpose I want to create with my life. I want to build relationships and be there for my people. I want to do those things that only I can do. I want to feel connected and create moments that will actually mean something.

There are lots of things to manage, and there’s an infinite number of things that can fill our time. The whole reason I want you to build a STEP System is so you can clear the clutter and excess from your life, easily get the necessary things done, and ultimately be available to do the things that matter most.

I know your life is complicated. And I know you are sincerely doing your best with the resources you have. I hope that, here at LearnDoBecome, we can provide relief from the overwhelm that you are craving. And I hope you know how much your goodness means to the world.

Much love,
April

Community Highlight:

Lori shared these amazing pictures and wrote, “It’s very vulnerable posting this. Clearly you can see the before and after. Sometimes you don’t realize how bad something looks. I’m really proud of myself, my husband and my son. We worked very hard to improve our home.”

Wins from Our STEP Coaching Members:

Suzie: Moved emails on one of my accounts from 6000 to 300. Signed up for coaching after working in STEP program for almost 3 years.
Lori: I hashed out all my daily and weekly routines on the routines & responsibilities worksheet during one of our STEP coaching co-work calls. I had been avoiding that for over a year, maybe more. I even had time to make a separate list of aspirational routines to have as projects later.
April: I calendared the first live working session and scheduled time on my calendar to set up my command central. I also took time to review what parts of my command central still exist (set up a long time ago, but not consistently used) and decide WHERE I want it to live.
Gayle: I went from 80,000 emails to 28,000 by using the STEP emails to zero program. It is really starting to click to OWN my inbox and not be bullied by it. 🙂 I COMPLETED EMAIL INBOX TO ZERO! I am amazed. and then when a bunch came in I just processed them and it’s ZERO again! I never thought I would get there! thank you!

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