When I was growing up, “perfectionist” was a negative term. I understood it to mean that a person had a problem because they wanted everything clean, beautiful, and flawless—at any cost.
My mom wasn’t like that. If the house was messy or her hair didn’t look good or the dinner was just “okay,” it didn’t matter—as long as we loved God and loved each other.
There’s something really comforting about that perspective, and I genuinely wanted to adapt my mom’s self-compassion, but because I always HAVE loved things to be clean, beautiful, and done well, I’ve kind of thought of myself as a “secret perfectionist.” I’d feel upset about my imperfections, but pretend that it wasn’t a big deal.
(Eric thinks that living inside my head must be exhausting….)
If you’ve ever found yourself in that spot, I think you’ll like what I learned recently in the book, “Little Bets.”
There’s a whole section about “healthy” versus “unhealthy” perfectionism.
I’d never even heard about that distinction, but my mind immediately lit up as I read about it.
Essentially, it’s this:
- Healthy perfectionism is an internally-motivated search for excellence. It’s wanting to do our best work, serve in beautiful ways, and create an environment we feel excited about.
- Unhealthy perfectionism is an externally-motivated search for approval. It’s wanting other people to think we’re amazing, beautiful, talented, etc.
This has made a huge impact on me because I realized that most of my anxious moments come when I am on the “unhealthy perfectionism” side. It’s when I’m worried what my neighbors will think about the weeds in our yard, ashamed I don’t have the energy to do all I wish I could do at LearnDoBecome, sorry that I’m not as knowledgeable about health and nutrition as the people I follow on social media.
But the healthy perfectionism I ALSO experience actually brings me a lot of joy. I love leaving my bedroom clean and tidy each morning (even though no one but me will see it). I enjoy blending that perfect green smoothie that tastes like ice cream, and then savoring every last drop. I love tucking our children into bed and feeling that closeness we’ve cultivated over the years—or walking around the block, holding hands with Eric, and feeling safe and happy.
There’s also a podcast called Checking In by a woman named Susan David that I’ve really enjoyed. In her episode, “Self-Compassion for the Self-Critical,” she explains how to do that—especially in the midst of this pandemic.
Here’s a quote I particularly liked:
The knowledge that you will be kind to yourself and be there for yourself—no matter what–actually encourages you to take risks and try harder.
Susan David
Love that.
So that’s all I have for today—just a little reminder that seeking excellence can be a GOOD thing, when it’s internally motivated and done with a heavy dose of self-compassion.
LearnDoBecome Challenge: Take a moment to think about your relationship with “perfectionism.” Is there anything causing stress or anxiety in your life that is externally motivated? What could you do to make a shift?
We love you and wish you the best!!!!
Related Links
Susan David’s “Checking In” Podcast
How to Stop Drowning in Piles
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Reading this today was so good to me. It rekindled my “self- permission” mode – – being okay with not getting it all done today. The best little tid-bit I received just now was “if it takes 2 minutes or less to do it don’t write it down.” Ahhhhhhaaaaaah!!! Thanks. I am using new tools to stay on point daily now. It’s working so far. I enter important To-do’s that pop up in my head uninvited into my calendar as an all-day event and as a daily event giving myself 2 days to get it done. Once done it comes off the daily reminder. I set alerts on my phone for scheduled tasks (daily, weekly, monthly, annual). There’s more but I have to go.now. This was my 10 minutes to check social media after morning prayer, jotting new thoughts upon waking, showering and slowly sipping my tea. I gave myself 15 minutes to remove and refresh my nail polish. So excited about being more organized. Oh and I was just outside in the back glaring at what looks like a full moon and that really bright star in the sky. Thank you for this platform. You rock forever!
So glad this was helpful, Maira! And it sounds like you’ve got some great systems taking shape. Keep up the wonderful work!
April this is such a beautiful & important post, thank you. I think as women we’re often socialised to feel the need to be ‘perfect’, in the externally motivated way you describe – looking for approval by making our behaviour, appearance & deeds all flawless. And the double standard is that we also get critique (from others & ourselves) for the same thing, for this very striving for perfection. I love this recognition that internally motivated looking for excellence can be celebrated by us rather than be yet another thing to feel ashamed of. We feel things deeply, & this is a good thing. Thank you for bringing your beautiful self into all you do, I gain so much from all you share & am so grateful xx
Emily, I think you are spot on. External AND internal pressure to be perfect. That’s a sure-fire way to live an overwhelmed life. 🙂 I think our society is evolving, though…to the point that we encourage people to pursue excellence, but be “real” at the same time. So much more grace, mental health, and overall happiness that way. Your voice is so important in this conversation. Sending love!!!
Excellent post! I’ll be checking out that podcast too!
Wonderful!! Yes, it’s a good one. 🙂 Thanks so much!
Thanks for sharing your discovery. Your green smoothie sounds yummy. Do you mind sharing the recipe?
Sure! Kelly LeVeque (author of “Body Love”) has a bunch of awesome ones.
Right now, mine looks like this (I make a big one and divide it in half….)
2 cups almond milk
2 scoops protein powder (any kind you like that is low sugar) Right now, I’m using Primal Kitchen Chocolate Coconut Collagen…so yummy
2 huge spoonfuls of cocoa powder
1 Tablespoon chia seeds
1 huge spoonful of xylitol
8 ounces frozen spinach
Blend that and then put in as much ice as the blender can take. 🙂
Freeze half and eat the other one while taking a hot bath. (I know…so weird, but it’s amazing!)
Alright. I waited to comment on this post until I actually made your smoothie. It was a hit! Well, for me. 🙂
Internally-motivated perfectionism is great way to describe healthy perfectionism. I have a little way to go, but your thoughtful, educated, insightful and very useful posts help me so much. I do love listening to you April.
Thank you so much, Michelle! And I’m glad you liked the smoothie! It’s kind of an “art” to figure out the exact proportions/taste you like, but we have one every morning now. 🙂 Thanks for your continued goodness, support, and encouragement!
Thanks April for the extremely relevant piece today.
I’m soaking up every word and taking a walk. When I get back from my out of house to do list, I’m going to reread and start my process fresh on October 1st with pictures and renewed purpose.
So thrilled for you, Pat!!!
Love that you read, condense and share! Thanks!
You’re so welcome! Books are like oxygen to me…happy to share the thoughts that help!
Thanks for you note of encouragment today. Looking forward to Q & A today at 5.
I am going to try and make a habit of reading and deleting email at breakfast.
Love,
Ashe (ah-shay)
Wonderful!!! xoxoxo
I needed to read this !
I love the emails you said! They help me “get back on track” when I feel like I’ve “fallen off the wagon”! They’re just enough to encourage me to stay with it! It’s nice to feel like your talking to real people, because you are!
Take care, Tennille
So happy to hear, Tennille! 🙂 Thanks for being with us!
I have suffered from the unhealthy perfectionism for most of my life so thank you, April, for writing this post. The 10 minute task breakdown has been phenomenal for me and made me much more productive. Choosing 7 or 8 tasks per month to focus on has also cleared the logjam of trying to work on too many projects per month and never finishing any projects! Self compassion is what I am working on, too, and learning to enjoy beauty I have created in my home even if no one but my guy and I see it.
Thanks for all you and your team are doing to make this world a better place!
We’re all in this together, and I LOVE that we have such a wonderful, encouraging community. 🙂 Thanks Janice!!
Thank you for this post. I’m a perfectionist. It’s easier to do at work in smaller amounts. At home I’m just drained. I have the “perfectionism fight” which means I am a perfectionist often for others and at work and a bit too lax on myself at home when it comes to those I live with. It has caused constant hurdles in my marriage and I hope to be able to find the best balance in my negative perfectionism and really help my family better. Thanks April. I’m new to STEP and I love it so far. I appreciate these little posts to keep moving forward. I have a long way to go but I believe in the deepest part of my soul…. I will get there and I will be happy!
You WILL get there, Renee! You are in the right place, and we are so happy to have you here! I think the desire to be a perfectionist shows so many good things about you. That you care, that you’re responsible, that you know you can make an impact for good. Keep all those good things. 🙂 But the increase in self-compassion will bless us all, I think! xoxo
I would love to have that “perfect” green smoothie recipe!
Sure!
2 cups almond milk
2 scoops protein powder (any kind you like that is low sugar) Right now, I’m using Primal Kitchen Chocolate Coconut Collagen…so yummy
2 huge spoonfuls of cocoa powder
1 Tablespoon chia seeds
1 huge spoonful of xylitol
8 ounces frozen spinach
Blend that and then put in as much ice as the blender can take. 🙂
Enjoy!!
This is both discouraging–because externally-motivated perfectionism is SO deeply rooted in my life–and an encouraging opening-of-the-window to show that there is a better way. Thank you.
I really appreciate your honesty, Emily! I get it… For example, for most of my life, I have sought for a certain pant size–just so that other people would think I was skinny enough. It sounds silly to even see that written down. But when I really ask myself, “What kind of a body do I want?” I realize that I feel really happy in the body I HAVE. 🙂 I believe the goal is for us to feel joy each day as we reach toward excellence–not shame, guilt, remorse, etc. for not being who someone else wants us to be. So happy you’re here with us!
April, this spoke to my heart today:
“HEALTHY perfectionism is an internally-motivated search for excellence. It’s wanting to do our best work, serve in beautiful ways, and create an environment we feel excited about.”
THIS is exactly where I’m coming from. I used to think of it as OCD, but now I’ll think differently. I love the beauty and peace of a clean, organized room!
(Eric is right. Living in OUR brains is exhausting.)
I’m the oldest daughter and babysat at home and for neighbors a lot. Once the children were taken care of, I would always do the dishes and tidy up. Such a good feeling to leave things better. 🥰
“A girl after my own heart!!” (That’s a phrase my mom loved…) ❤️❤️❤️