I don’t know if there has ever been a time in the history of the world when it has been MORE important to create peaceful, calm places of rest and replenishment within the walls of our own homes.
This hasn’t come naturally to me, and it’s still a work in process, but today I’m sharing a few high-level ideas that have inspired me. I hope they will help you, too!
I’ve put them into a sequence that I think will make sense—even if your life and schedule feel unwieldy or you’ve been struggling with anxiety and discouragement. (We get it.)
But I want you to know that it is 100% possible to make a house, an apartment, or even a single bedroom into a place of calm. I’m going to reference a lot of resources in this post–I didn’t want to leave you hanging–but you probably don’t need them all. Just pick your favorites. 🙂 Let’s dive in!
(1) Start with the physical clutter, and go room by room.
I know, I know…. You might be thinking, “That takes too much time” or “I’ve already tried that,” but all of the other steps will feel harder if you’re moving clutter around in circles all day long.
My FAVORITE book on this is called It’s Here…Somewhere.* I read it back in 2000, and it radically changed my life.
Marie Kondo’s method in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up* is awesome, too—and you can even enjoy the Netflix series for inspiration. 🙂
Here at LearnDoBecome, we have lots of resources to support you, as well. Here are a few:
- Our Free One-Hour Training, “How to Finally Stop Drowning in Piles”—it has been viewed by HUNDREDS of thousands of people, and make sure you sign up, if you’re new here!
- How to Declutter the Whole House in One Month—a podcast and post we created when we were getting ready to move a few years ago.
- Clean-A-Drawer Challenge—this shows you step-by-step how to get a drawer (and really, any space) organized, and it comes with an audio training.
- Closet Clean-Out—I recorded this inside my closet, while I was cleaning it. I’ll show you what kinds of “organizing problems” are keeping you stuck and how to get past them.
This process of clearing your space of clutter is amazing, but it’s just the beginning.
(2) Learn how to discipline with love.
I grew up with really patient parents, but when children came into OUR home, I was fit to be tied. I found myself snapping, yelling, and feeling so frustrated, and as more children joined the family, I thought, “My calm life is over.”
But here’s the thing—it wasn’t that I was a defective mother. It’s just that I didn’t have parenting skills yet.
One internal commitment I made was to always speak to our children as though we had a guest over who was listening to me. (I didn’t want to be one version of myself in public and a different person in private….)
And then here are a few of my favorite parenting resources:
- Positive Parenting Solutions* (got the course from Amy McCready back in 2008, I think?) Soooooo good.
- Book: Siblings Without Rivalry*—it has fun comic strips throughout the book with a variety of common parenting scenarios.
- Post from Power of Moms: Books and Charts to Stop the Fighting—it shows our discipline chart that worked for YEARS.
- Book: Parenting with Love and Logic*—super encouraging philosophy on managing family dilemmas with creativity.
- The “Yes, I’d Love To” Jar—we started this years ago and still use the concept today.
If you have to pick one, get Amy’s course (we’re affiliates, and it’s because her course transformed my life). But honestly, investing in parenting skills isn’t something you do if you’re a loser. It’s something you do if you want a home that is a sanctuary.
(3) Create family routines that support your goals.
Are there things in your home that drive you crazy? Here are a few things that we’ve struggled with:
- Shoes/backpacks/coats left all over the house
- Toys on the stairs/all over the place
- Dishes left out, food all over the floor, kids eating in every room
- Sneaking screens
- Sneaking candy
- Forgetting to do homework
- Bickering
- Taking other family members’ things without asking
- Whining
- Complaining when asked to do something
- Messy bedrooms
You get it, right?
Here’s what we did.
Eric and I have a Weekly Planning session, and we prioritize the issues that are driving us crazy the MOST. We can only pick one or two at a time….
Then we brainstorm ways we can create systems that support our goals of a clean and tidy home, the wise use of screens, healthy diets, good grades, calm and kind interactions, mutual respect, helpfulness, etc.
Here are some of the solutions we’ve created alongside our children:
- Practice sessions for children who leave things all over the place. We had them do the routine over and over again (maybe 20 times coming in the door with their backpack and shoes on and showing us the right way to put things away) until it became a habit. (We kept it lighthearted.)
- “Zone” cleaning at the end of each day, where each family member is responsible for coordinating the cleaning of one room. (They don’t have to CLEAN it. They just have to make sure people put their own things away.)
- A family dinner clean-up routine—posted on a chart in the kitchen with specific jobs for each person.
- Limits on screens, sugar, and privileges for anyone who was sneaky.
- Puppet Show Role-plays and an “I’d Love to Jar”
This is a constant work in process, but we’ve found that our children aren’t trying to ruin our lives…. We just need to lovingly create a structure that works for all of us.
(4) Make a Command Central for all your tasks so you can turn off your brain.
I learned how to declutter in 2000. But I didn’t learn how to build a Command Central until 2008. For those 8 years, I LOOKED organized, but my mind never turned off. I always felt like there were a million things to do, and I had a hard time focusing, enjoying my children, being present with ANYONE, and moving any big projects forward.
Once my Command Central was built, however, I felt a sense of calm I didn’t even know existed.
Here’s a photo of my first one—and my current one:
I won’t go into detail here because we have tons of resources on the site that talk about the Command Central, but feel free to check out our podcast about “A Command Central on Every Desk.” That will show you why our system is totally different and why you need one, too.
(5) Create boundaries and prioritize self care.
Oh goodness, I could go on and on about this topic. I used to think that a “good person” was a people pleaser. I have since learned that there are times we need to sacrifice for the good of the whole family / community / world, but living a draining, frustrating, anger-inducing life isn’t a gift to humanity.
Eric has been my champion in this whole process, and while I am not quite where I want to be, things are SO much better than they were before.
Here are my best suggestions:
- Book: Boundaries by Henry Cloud*—this was an eye-opener for me. It’s very Bible-based, so if you’re not Christian, I still recommend you read it, but just know that there are lots of scriptural references throughout.
- Course/Membership: Boundaries.Me by Henry Cloud—I pay a low monthly fee to get access to all his videos and a Facebook group. Listening to his calm perspective and advice has changed the way my brain reacts to stress. I highly recommend it!
- Take one day a week just for you! I have a podcast about that with an accompanying worksheet here.
- Make time to read. SOOOOO important. We have two podcasts on this (Part 1 & Part 2), as well as an Amazon store of our favorite books.*
(6) Create moments.
There’s this place called The Magic Castle Hotel that gets RAVE reviews, even though it is old, kind of run down, and has a really tiny pool. Chip and Dan Heath talk about it in their book, The Power of Moments.*
WHY is the hotel so beloved by its guests? They create moments there. For example, they have a popsicle hotline, accessed by a red phone by the pool. When you pick it up, a voice on the other end says, “Hello, Popsicle Hotline!” You tell them which flavor you want, and it’s delivered to you by the pool on a silver platter—by a hotel employee wearing white gloves. How awesome is THAT?
So how do we do this in our homes?
My mother-in-law gave me great advice on this. She simply told me to “be available.”
Each evening after dinner, she would go into the living room (that didn’t have a TV) and just sit with the newspaper or a magazine. She said the children would gravitate to her and start talking about their day. I’ve done this ever since she told me about it, and that one idea alone totally works.
We’ve done some other things that are fun, too…
- Disco lights* when we clean the kitchen
- “Window Sandwich” (the kids made up the name), where we open a front or side window and pretend it’s a restaurant.
- “We Love to Be a Family Day”—a holiday every February where we make a map and do fun activities together.
- Morning snuggles—my room “opens” at a specific time each day, and that’s when the children come in, jump onto the bed (with our dog), and we watch funny (clean) videos together.
The great part is that once your home is decluttered, you’ve got the discipline and routines down, your Command Central is in place, and you’ve got boundaries and self-care going strong, you FEEL like creating awesome moments. It’s no longer something you feel guilty about doing. You just want to go play catch in the backyard. You get out lotion, candles, and soft music and give your family members foot massages. You have campfires in the backyard, dance parties in the kitchen, and “homemade salsa” nights made from tomatoes grown in the backyard.
I used to doubt my ability to do this. Eric and I had to work to get on the same page. (We still do sometimes!) I had lots of health problems over the years. (Still do sometimes!) Our children don’t always do what we want them to do. We drive each other crazy more often than we’d like. And random things sometimes happen—like a worldwide pandemic—that throws a wrench into all our plans.
But the point of all of this is to encourage you to see that there are things you can DO—most of which are totally free and don’t take that much time—to make your home into that sanctuary you’ve been craving. And it is SO worth the effort.
LearnDoBecome Challenge: Identify just ONE thing you can do today to make your home environment more calm and peaceful. (Share your commitment in the comments!)
Good ideas, I am going to print them off to refer back when I start.
With the holidays coming, and our kids are grown and semi-out of the house (college), the few holiday traditions that we can still do are really precious to me. Sometimes it’s more a matter of realizing what is really just busyness and what’s important (does the house need to be spotless or can we relax and watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” together with popcorn?) Doing the best we can with what we have is the goal and the best thing is always to invest in what works for family and balance in our lives. Your programs and lessons are great for that!
This is beautiful. It so resonates with what we’re working towards doing in our own home. Thank you for sharing your real story & for having tangible, practical things we can all do to become more peaceful parents & families.
Grateful!
Wow awesome suggestions!!!!!
This was great! I really need to declutter.
Thank you for this blog. I don’t have young children at home, BUT I do have my husband AND 3 adult sons. Sometimes I feel like I’m still managing teens. This article inspired me to do “family stuff” with them that are adult-sized.
Your approach to all the ideas on being organized are refreshing- thanks for your pleasant outlook on life
I cleaned the shower today! washed, folded, and put away the towels! Have the dishwasher running now! Checkbook balanced! Getting closer to my goals of clean and tidy home.
I’m going to clean off my dresser – the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning. I deserve to wake up and see a peaceful scene.
Dear April,
the photos tell a thousand words, (happy children1) great tips. Love Command Central. It is true when my apartment is tidy and pared down, I am calmer and have more energy. I am creating a home studio within my two rooms, so I can submit self-tapes, do voiceovers and for my coaching business. I live alone, again, though my 26 y.o. was here for six months. Can’t wait to move to a bigger house, meet a man and design our home together. I suppose there are Feng Shui enhancements for those goals!
Kathy
Kathy, it sounds like you have some beautiful goals and lots of gifts to give the world! We are so grateful to be part of your journey with you! And while we definitely have our moments here when things aren’t rosy, the happy moments outweigh the hard ones, and we’re all growing together. 🙂 Thank you for your encouragement, and good luck with your work!
To the person with husband and adult sons, how do you get them to put stuff away?
This post is right up my alley right now. I have started step and still in the early stages. 🙂 Getting things organized has been slow. I feel this pandemic is so draining. I work at a hospital and feel like I have to be “on it” and “brave” more than I really would like to. So far my command central is 60 percent set and I organized a small landing spot near my front door. I posted my commitment and future goals on sticky notes on the front door. I just feel like I’m losing a bit of steam on my way to progress/completion of a home space that my family can be proud to call “home”.
You are carrying so much right now! Working at a hospital puts you right on the front lines. And the Command Central might take a little longer to create since you obviously need to devote time to rest and self-care when you are off work. But we’ll be here to support you! Sending so much love!!
I will clean the fridge amd make our home a better place!😀
Wonderful, Kathleen!! Oh, a clean fridge does wonders for my mood. It’s like a little burst of happiness whenever I am looking for something to eat. 🙂 (And that probably sounds crazy, but growing up, I learned to never reach past whatever was in the front of the fridge shelves…there were too many question marks. I wish I’d known how to clean a fridge back then because I would have been a better helper for my parents. But we can start fresh today!)
I feel like I’m on an uphill battle & hope to break the barriers to reduce my clutter. This will be no easy task as I am the fulltime caregiver to my 87 yr old mother who became bedbound after fracturing her left femur status post a fall 5/2019. We suffered a horrific housefire 6/18/2016 when I lost my 26 yr old son & four little doggies (Yorkies & terrier mixes). I work fulltime nightshift as a psychiatric RN & have done so over 23 years. I have 2 large storage units since the housefire & a barn/shed & live in my Mom’s <900sq ft condo of which I am remodeling- new kitchen cabinets already installed & half the countertops as I have expensive taste & am doing Silestone quartz. I purchased the tile to be installed & need to come up with the cash to get the rest of these projects completed. Plus I have acquired severe arthritis of my left hip & a right shoulder injury during all this mayhem. I have 4 Yorkies who I enjoy walking with a neighbor daily. I have to do our walks in 3 increments as they all cannot go out together/personality conflicts. My room is a mountainous mess & I’m hoping to start purging soon as my birthday is tomorrow & it will be a gift to myself to get some semblance of order!!!
Georgia, I am so sorry for the tragic loss you suffered in 2016. Caring for your mom while working full-time is challenging to say the least. I hope you are able to find sanctuary and peace in your current home. Nature and music are my favorite ways to practice self-care. They are so healing. Maybe find ways to bring those elements into your bedroom. God bless you.
Georgia, I hope you had a wonderful birthday!! And it sounds like you have been devoting your whole life to supporting others–which is so admirable. We are grateful you are here with us and the LearnDoBecome community, and we are cheering you on as you move forward with your responsibilities and dreams. You have clearly been living a compassionate life, and I hope that this year can bring some balance so you can nurture yourself and create a joyful environment. Sending a huge hug!!
I’m going to listen to the podcast on decluttering your whole house in one month! You have no idea how timely this is for me! Thanks for the great suggestions AND the resources!
Wonderful, Mishae! Let us know how it goes! There are definitely a lot of decisions that need to be made in the process, but once you learn how to maintain it, your life will never be the same. You’ve got this! 🙂
If you want to watch funny videos, I recommend Tim Hawkins!
Thank you for the recommendation-he is hysterical !!
Thank you, Nanci!! I shared his videos with my boys the other day, and we all had a great laugh! Someone put together a couple of ‘best of’ videos with snippets of his humor, and they are hilarious. Thanks for passing along this recommendation! 🙂
This was your best post ever. Love it! Thanks for the resources and especially for the inspiration. Xoxo
I’m thrilled it was helpful for you! Sending an xoxo right back at you. 🙂
Great ideas! Loved the “be available”.
I’m so glad! I let my mother-in-law know. 🙂 I think that will make her happy! Thanks, Doris!
Oh Hello!!! First, prayers for your health April. I hope whatever struggles you are dealing with with pass quickly.
Thankyou for this!!! I’m really glad I am still on mailing list as today I REALLY needed your healthy attitude and suggestions. I was actually searching out an email I need to respond to when I decided to just quickly open this; to say a guilt free moment of instant calm is an understatement!!! So, thankyou. This moment I took for myself, is actually a huge boost of hope that I CAN tackle the chaos and clutter that has exponentially gotten out of hand in the last 2months. My life is finally my own to navigate and return to a viable way of life….months from now, but starting someplace filled with hope means more than I can thank you for. The 8 items only list has kept me going….. thanks
Tamara, I am so happy that this was helpful for you–and yes–HOPE is so important. Of course it takes time to make the progress we want, but knowing that we’re getting just a little closer each day (or even just some days!) does a lot for our overall perspective on life. 🙂 The fact that you are here, participating in the community and thinking about the kind of life you want to create, shows me that you are well on your way! And thank you so much for your prayers–I am getting my energy back and learning how to manage my health challenges, and that has been giving me a nice boost! I’m so proud of you, and I’m sending you lots of love right back!
Making home made salsa this week opened up a once-shutdown conversation pathway… helping me remember that “laboring together” can open “effectual doors” like no other.
I am looking for family friendly, happy videos. (Also, clean couple romantic ones.) My movie date nights are few, and I hope to make the best of them!
What I am going to try? What about sitting on the bed with a book at 8:30 pm? Like the mom with the newspaper. Not with the intent that I have to read anything. Simply sitting. Saying “I am here. Come and be with me!”
(We have a family joke of our youngest daughter in Joy School [preschool] announcing to her friends, “Here I am. Aren’t you going to play with me?!” This is an admirable, approachable attitude I desire to echo as a wife, mother, and grandma!) Thank you for the suggestions and ideas.
Yes! I love that, Laurene. Isn’t it interesting how doing regular work/daily tasks can strengthen relationships so well? And I love the things you’re working toward with your family. I don’t think we can ever accurately measure the effect that our love, attention, and availability can have on another. Thank you for sharing!!
How’d you know I needed this? Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness in putting this amazing list of resources together!! It is exactly what I need right now.
So happy you are here with us!! Keep up the great work! 🙂
My wife and I will pray for your health and recovery. Blessings to you and your family AND to your awesome ministry!!!
Thank you so, so much, Kelly! The prayers are being felt! I’m feeling so much better and finally getting my energy back. We appreciate you and are so grateful you are part of the LearnDoBecome community. Have an amazing week!
Thank you SOOO much for this post! This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I am realizing that I am feeling the caregiver fatigue so much right now with my kids’ school doing a hybrid version with them in school only 2 out of the 5 days. And with my preschooler going on the days they are home, I am rarely without kids. I know that sounds horrible to some people but I am really struggling with it right now.
I want to start with the family chart to help stop the constant fighting, whining, complaining, etc going on right now. We may do the “Yes, I’d Love To” jar along side because I think they can go hand in hand. I need the spirit in our home to be one of love, not contention.
Alisha, we are right there with you… Caregiver fatigue is a real thing! Our boys have been distance-learning from home 3 days a week, as well, and even though they are teenagers, I feel a constant sense of responsibility. Having a preschooler adds a WHOLE new level to all of that, and it is perfectly natural to be struggling when you have limited alone time. If you google “Mommy’s Quiet Time 101 – April Perry” there is an article at Power of Moms that details what I did to get rest and quiet when ours were younger. (I had a few surgeries/health problems back then, and quiet/rest wasn’t optional….) The good news is that there are some awesome resources out there to help you create the positive, happy structure you know is possible. I’m cheering you on!!
April,
I listen to/read from several people that talk about similar things that you talk about. I have to say, you’re my favorite, by far. Thank you for being you and for letting us know the real you. I save every email you send out (in your own folder of course!) . I pray your health issues get better.
Your sister in Christ,
Kelley
You are too kind, Kelley. We are so grateful for the chance to be a part of your life. And thank you for the well-wishes, too! I have been feeling much better. 🙂 Have a wonderful week and thank you again for your sweet words!
Thank you so much for sharing these incredible logical ways to create peace in the home. I love all 5 tips and wish I had these when I was raising my child particularly 2 and 3. I am going to share this with her now that she is a young mom.
One way I created calm during those years and even now when I have guest, was to have everyone use their headset if they were listening to anything on their device. I would also play classical radio on Pandora in my leaving room throughout the day to discourage other noise.
Thank you for the gift that you are!
Isi, I love the suggestion to have more soothing music playing! I’m going to set up our mp3 player in the kitchen so we can enjoy more happy/calming sounds in the main areas of the house. Thank you!! And thanks for sharing this with your daughter. I hope she will enjoy it, as well. Sending a huge hug!
Our fave moments come when we simply chat/talk with each other. It’s calming, comforting, and we feel renewed and cherished. Find a comfy spot. Share pleasant incidents. Hold hands. Hug. Laugh. Remember we’re a team. Especially during tough times these few minutes are precious and help strengthen our relationship. We’re in our 55th year so I think it works! Just a simple moment to remember what it’s all about.
Kathy, you have described this so beautifully! I love how you said, “Remember we’re a team.” Thank you for being such a great example to us!
I’m going to get rid of the stack of
“reminders “ that lie on my coffee table by making one phone call daily. It should be clear in about six months.
Just kidding. Probably a week or two.
Way to go, MaryKathryn! It’s these little things that really add up. Keep up the great work!
My husband has dementia. I spend most of my time finding things for him. He moves things around & sits things down wherever. We moved to an Independent Living apartment in January and I am still unpacking and downsizing. Covid has kept my husband from his volunteering so I never have time alone much less time for myself. I would like time alone at home but mostly I get it sitting in the car after I finish an appointment or on the way to buy groceries. My home is hectic and cluttered no matter how much I work on it.
Belinda, you definitely have a lot on your plate. We’re glad to hear that you’re finding a few minutes to yourself as you’re running errands. It’s so important and even just those few minutes can be helpful to you. If you’re part of our Mastery program, we encourage you to reach out in our Facebook group. The members there are so supportive and helpful! They may have some great ideas on how you can make progress in your home and find the peace that you’re looking for. Feel free to reach out to our team with any additional questions or for info on how to find the Facebook group, email(at)learndobecome(dot)com. We’re so glad you’re here!
Awesome! I’ve shared to help ALL of us as we move into a new year with Hopes for new opportunities.
“Only time changes with the stroke of midnight. Life changes with yOu!” ~ jaK
Cheers 2021! #mindbodysoul #cleanlife
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